unencumbered words

-I feel bad for abandoning my blog. It’s so easy for this thing to go by the wayside when life gets busy. Also, when life gets so mundane that you feel like you have nothing to write about…it’s kind of hard to write. So, there’s that. Sometimes, I google words like mundane just to make sure that I’m using them correctly. I thank God for the internet everyday. 

-Life is moving quickly. Sometimes, it feels like December 16 (when I moved home) was like a few weeks ago. But, it’s May 17. And yeah. I do remember the exact day that I moved back home. It was a hard time. Seriously, though. May 17. We’re over halfway done with May. Then June, July, GRAD SCHOOL. OMG. HWJAKEJRKLWEAJGLSKD WHAT. 

-Speaking of grad school, have I mentioned how freaking excited I am?!?!? I can’t wait to be in a place where I am constantly learning and growing and going outside my comfort zone and performing and teaching and doing what I love. I’ve missed that. With that being said, this time at home has been really good for me. I’ve been violently ejected from the weird kind of self-contained undergraduate music major bubble that I was living in - into the real world. Well, I can’t really call still living with my parents the “real world” but it’s a lot closer than I was before, I guess. I can’t say that I love it. But, I haven’t hated it either.

-My job is pretty cool. Obviously, not what I want to do for the rest of my life or anything, but I’ve been having a good time. The people I work with are cool and fun. It’s been interesting getting to know people who aren’t doing the exact same things with their lives that I am. It’s so easy to get wrapped up in obsessing about school and musical things and all of the people you know who are also obsessing about school and musical things, that you forget that there are other things and people out there. It’s been good for me to get back in touch with reality and spend some time just being a human being again. I know that might sound weird. But if you understand, then you really understand.

-Spending this time being a (kind of) normal human being again, has had its downfalls, however. I feel like I’ve kind of lost touch with music. I’ve still been practicing and listening and doing stuff like that…but I’ve realized how much harder it is to motivate yourself to do these things when you’re on your own. I haven’t had lessons or classes or anything since I’ve been home, and it’s just really hard to keep on trucking when you aren’t surrounded by it all anymore. I think in some ways, though, it’s helped me to rediscover the love that I have for music. Since I’m not surrounded by it as much as I was, I really do cherish the times when I’m practicing, listening, and teaching. I’ve definitely picked the right field. And that feels good. I’ve also realized how much of a comfort it is to me. Anytime I’m home and feeling crappy about one thing or another, it all goes away when I sing. It was hard for me to realize how much of a comfort music could be while I was in school, because it’s what I was constantly doing. So, I’ve really appreciated this new angle on things in life, and I’m excited to bring a slightly new outlook with me to grad school.

-I’m not sure why I’m writing this blog in a bullet point format, but I think I’m okay with it. I don’t know. It’s actually kind of weird.

-A few of my best friends from Springfield graduated from college today. I’m so incredibly happy for them and they all have ridiculously bright futures. Amber is going to MSM, Andy is going to Northwestern, and Ryan is going to North Texas. We’re all moving to different states and different parts of the country and it’s all just so exciting. They are all so brilliant in their own ways and I can’t wait to see where they will all be in even 5 years from now. Love you guys.

-I’m starting to look for apartments in Lawrence and I have NO IDEA what I’m doing. I mean…I’ve obviously lived in lots of different apartments and houses and stuff, but they were all in Springfield. I knew the city really well and I knew which places and areas were great and which places weren’t. I mean…that didn’t stop me from living in a slightly shady area in Springfield for a year and a half, but still. I knew what I was getting myself into. WAH! I think I’m stressing about this a little too much, but finding a place to live is kind of a big deal. I mean…it’s where you live. I just want to make a good decision and not regret the decision that I make. The thought of moving is scary and exciting and kind of awesome.

-Okay, I think it’s time to stop. I am going to be back. I’m going to write on here more. It’s going to happen. I think.

I have really got to start blogging again. I’ve missed it. SO MUCH.

So, okay. My life is really just lame. I live at home. My room is small. I work 40 hours a week at Starbucks. I go to bed at like 8 every night because I usually have to be at work somewhere between the hours of 5 and 6 a.m. I want to be in grad school. I want to read more. I know that I need to read more but I continue to just watch my shows/browse the internet/do other things instead. I really love the show Girls. Lena Dunham is my favorite. How original. I miss my friends in Springfield. I miss everything about Springfield besides the fact that it’s Springfield. Does that make sense? I’m still trying to figure out what the hell to do with my life. I miss singing all the time. I’m getting frustrated with practicing, having all the issues, and trying to figure them out on my own. I love my family. I’m tired of people asking me if I want massages on OKCupid. I miss learning new things all the time. I’m ready to start my life.

Don’t get me wrong.

I’m actually pretty happy right now.

But, sometimes I just feel like I’m going through life without feeling anything. Maybe some of it has to do with being so busy and being in such a routine. Maybe some of it is putting on a teacher-y face all day long and not getting to be the crazy, outgoing, and fun person that I really am, like I’m used to. Maybe some of it is that by the time I get home for the day, I’m so tired that I don’t want to do or think about anything at all. I’m not sure exactly what it is, but it’s weird. I feel like I’m kind of just floating through life. Nothing really affects me lately. There are times that I am really, really, happy, but I just don’t FEEL the emotion like I’m used to feeling. There are times when things should probably make me upset, but I don’t feel that as much as I usually do either. I think some of it is also because I’m used to sharing things with people all day long. Usually, talking about things out loud make them real for me. I think that’s what gives me a reaction to something. Sometimes, thinking about it isn’t enough. When I actually went to class, I saw people that I knew all day long and I would talk to them about my life and their life and things that were going on. Now that I’m out of the loop, I just feel so separated from everything. I still see people all day, and am definitely not alone, but I’m in an environment now where I have to be completely professional at all times and I obviously can’t talk to these people the way that I used to talk to my friends at school. This is something that I’ll really have to get used to. This is what most adults do. They go to work, put on their work face, and do what they have to do. Then, they go home and do what they have to do at home, and get up and do it again the next day. I understand that this is a normal adult person’s life. I just love people. I love having relationships with people. I love getting to know people, and getting to hear about their lives and what they do and how they feel about things. Going to school, and getting to see and have conversations with people all day was just something that I think I took for granted. I do have to say, though, I am loving student teaching. I’m having a blast and I’m so glad that I’m at Central. It’s really awesome. That’s really all for right now. Kthxforreadingthiswhoeveryouarebye.

All my life I’ve moved around. I lived in Florida until I was 7, and then moved to Missouri to be closer to family and because my dad found a good job in St. Louis. Once we got to MO, we didn’t stay in one place for very long. We lived in a duplex for about 8 months, and then moved to a house in Arnold for a few years. After my parents got divorced, we moved into another house in Arnold and I lived there in junior high and for my freshman and sophomore years of high school. After that, we moved into my mom’s boyfriend’s house for a few months while waiting for our new house to be built, and finally we moved into our new house in April of my junior year of high school. Needless to say, I’m not really sure what I would consider my childhood home. I don’t know if I even have one. All of the places that we’ve lived in hold a special place in my heart in their own way. I have distinct memories from all of them, and they were what worked for our family at the time. I know that home is where the heart is, or at least that’s what they say, but sometimes I just wish that I could go back to a place where I could relive childhood memories and feel like I am completely home. But, until now, I’ve never realized that this is exactly how I feel at my great grandma’s condo in Florida.

This place hasn’t changed from the times when I used to come here every month with my mom when we lived in Florida, and is even almost exactly the same now that I am 21 years old and about to graduate college. They have updated things. There is (finally) WiFi, and a nice TV, and various other things like that. But, the furniture, the wallpaper, my grandma’s paintings in her studio, and the hideous comforters and matching curtains in the guest room haven’t changed at all.

Even today, when I was sitting with my grandma while she was eating lunch, I looked over and saw this small metal bell that punctured my foot when I accidentally stepped on it as a kid. When I walk into the living room, I can see where the Christmas tree used to always be set up, and I remember coming every year and sitting with my cousins and opening presents on the floor. I look in the corner, and I can almost see my dad sitting on a chair in the same spot every time, where he would watch us open presents. When I go in the studio, I remember being a little kid and looking at all of the paintings that my grandma did, and always asking her which was the hardest one to do. Her answer was always the painting of the barn with the sunset. I even remember more weird things, like sitting in the doorway of the condo, packing to go home, when my aunt taught me how to roll my clothes to make more space in my suitcase. Just little things like that can bring back so many of the memories that I thought were completely lost, that are awakened the moment I step through the door. When I walk into this place, part of me still feels like I’m five years old again. I don’t have that feeling anywhere else in the world.

When I walk into my house in Fenton, I might have memories from high school, but the place didn’t even exist when I was younger. I think that is what I love so much about being here. I love seeing my grandma, and I’m realizing how important it is, and how precious this time is. It’s hard to see someone decline so much - going from someone that would take me shopping and go with me to get my nails done, to someone who is lucky to speak a couple of words during the day as a result of multiple strokes and an aneurism. I guess I just feel like since everything around me is the same, that she should be the same too. It just doesn’t work that way.

I never know how many times I’ll be back to the condo, but I’m going to try to come as much as I can. All I know is that I love my grandma, and I love this place, and even if this place is someday somewhere that I can’t call home anymore, I will keep all of my memories with me and remember everything that I possibly can. That’s really the most I can do. And I’m okay with that.

Disclaimer: This blog post seriously sucks and is the most cliche thing that I’ve ever actually written down. 

I used to not be a dreamer. Really. I have always been the practical one. The one who thought that being realistic and practical was the only way to go through life, because dreaming big was kind of just a waste of time. I’m not sure why I felt this way exactly. I think it started pretty young. I used to tell my mom that I wasn’t going to play make believe because I knew it wasn’t real. I didn’t play with dolls or things like that, because I literally hated pretending that inanimate objects were real. So, I think that’s kind of where it started, and I guess that mentality just stuck with me. In high school, when my best friend would tell me another one of her ridiculous big plans for the future, as far away as 50 years or as close as the coming weekend, I would always have a more practical solution. She would always tell me that I was negative, but I thought that I was just being “realistic.” When I look back on all of that now, it makes me kind of sad. I can’t believe I wasted that much of my life thinking that dreaming was a waste of time. Don’t get me wrong. I had dreams…kind of. I told people in 5th grade that I would be on MTV someday, because I legitimately wanted to be Christina Aguilera. I think that was more of me being a conceited diva than a dreamer, but whatever, at least it was something. 5th grade was rough. 

Anyways, what I’m trying to say is: I can’t believe I lived so much of my life not thinking about all of the possibilities that life could have in store for me. I don’t know what I was doing. Not really thinking at all, I guess. I wasn’t allowing myself to think outside the box or be curious or really anything. I was just already deciding to settle for the life that I thought I was supposed to live, or the life that I thought people wanted me to live. To be honest, I’m over it. Well, I’ve been over it for awhile now. I basically just realized that I needed to believe in and be hopeful about something. I really do have huge dreams, and pretending like I didn’t was really getting old. Besides, can you imagine a life without dreams? Waking up in the morning, and having nothing to work toward or to look forward to? Honestly, it doesn’t even matter what the dreams are, as long as they matter to you. I just can’t handle seeing people who are miserable because they never took the time to imagine what they wanted their lives to be and go after it. Sometimes, things come up and it makes it harder, which is understandable…but even if you at least try to follow your dreams, you can say that you tried instead of always wondering what could have been. I just want to live. I don’t want to have to wonder what could have been if I actually would have tried. I’m just going to go for it.