unencumbered words

I just got back a couple of days ago from a trip to Europe with Chorale. It was such a memorable and unforgettable experience. We spent 6 days in Germany and 4 days in Paris, France, and I had some of the best experiences that I’ve had in my life so far in those 10 days. I’ll probably post some excerpts from my travel journal a little later on, but I really felt the need to write a little bit about Chorale. Our last concert on this tour was extremely hard for me. I wasn’t sure exactly how it would go. I knew I would be sad, yes, but I didn’t know how affected I would be. I was an emotional wreck. I cried on the bus on the way to the concert, out of nowhere at various points before the concert, while talking to the altos and thanking them for a great year, and during the actual concert, so much that I couldn’t even sing some of our songs. It took so long for me to comprehend how much this group really meant to me. I don’t think the fact that I won’t be returning next year has even hit me yet, but it has got me really thinking about the last four years, and why it is so hard for all of us who are leaving to say goodbye.

When I first started Chorale as a freshman four years ago, I had no idea how much of an impact it would have on me or how much I would learn from being in the group. For me, it was a huge honor to make this choir and to get to be a part of such a high level of music-making on a daily basis, but I didn’t really realize how important it was to me until I was at the very end. The past four years with this group have been wonderful, frustrating, amazing, and sometimes just annoying all at the same time. I think it’s this way for any group that you’ve been a part of for a long time. There are always going to be issues, but when it comes down to it, I can’t imagine the past four years without this group. Being in this group taught me how to be a leader, it taught me to be humble, to be flexible, patient, inspired, and understanding. It taught me the true meaning of working for something that’s bigger than just yourself. Having the opportunity to be able to work with Dr. Webb on a daily basis has been an amazing blessing in itself. He is a true artist, and an excellent person who cares passionately about his work and strives for the best day after day.

Although, these things sound amazing, I can’t say that it was always easy. There were times that I let stupid things that happened get the best of me, and times when I was so frustrated with myself that I just wanted to quit. The more I think about it now, those are the times that helped me the most. The times when I would get so mad at myself for being an awful sight reader actually made me a better sight reader (even though I still kind of suck!) because I learned how to learn from my mistakes and keep pushing forward. I guess you’re not really supposed to realize that while it’s happening, but it makes so much more sense now.

Probably the thing that I will miss the most (besides Dr. Webb) are the people. All of the people that I have gotten to know from being in this group are just so wonderful. My best friends in the entire world are (were) in this group. Chorale really is like a family. Getting to spend so much time with these people and getting to make music with my best friends is probably what I will miss the most. I’m not sure I will ever have an opportunity to be in a group like this again. I really just hope that the younger people in the choir will realize how precious the time in this group is and to not take it for granted. It truly is a blessing. 

These are just some things that I had to get out of my brain and on to my blog. I’ve been thinking about it all so much since our last concert that I just HAD to write about it. Anyways, thanks, Chorale for being so awesome, and I am so proud to say that I have been a member of this group.

P.S. Sorry…we never realized. (I will never not hear this in my head when I say sorry for any reason.)

Today was rough. My mom called me today and told me that my stepdad took our dog Wembley to the Humane Society at some point today. She said that no one in our house really cared about the pets anymore and since they were all so busy, the dogs weren’t getting the attention they needed. She had been talking about trying to find another home for him for probably a year now and she had no offers, so she had Tom take him to the freaking Humane Society. I shuddered every time she would talk about trying to find another home for Wembley, but I never thought it would actually happen. Especially not where they decided to take him. Apparently they told my stepdad that lots of animals will be adopted this weekend since it’s Mother’s Day. I don’t know much about this stuff, but I’m pretty sure that most people want to adopt puppies, and not a 10 year old dog. I can’t really think about what will happen if he doesn’t get adopted.

Now, here’s the deal. I have NEVER cared about animals or having pets or anything like that. I have two fish now and I hate them…and I’m pretty sure they hate me. But, I freaking LOVE Wembley. We got him when I was in 9th or 10th grade because my brother Eric really wanted a dog. Like…could not LIVE unless he got a dog. My mom was hesitant and knew how big of a responsibility it was, but Eric told her that he was committed to taking on the tasks of feeding/walking/taking care of a dog. So, we got Wembley. We adopted him from the Humane Society when he was already 3 years old. My mom didn’t want a puppy, and Wembley was the sweetest and most wonderful thing and was already well out of the puppy phase, so they decided to get him. When we brought him home, my brother was ecstatic. I liked him, you know, but I wasn’t in love. I don’t really know what I cared about at that point in my life besides trying to be emo and listening to weird music in my room, so a dog was at the bottom of my priority list. But, as the years went on, I appreciated Wembley more and more, especially after I went to college. I loved coming home from Springfield for a long weekend or for a break and being greeted at the door by him before I even got a chance to talk to any of my family. He was always just there, you know?

Things at my house have changed drastically a few times while I have been gone, and I didn’t have the opportunity to be there for a lot of those changes. During my freshman year of college, my mom’s long term boyfriend of 6 years moved out, a few years later, my stepfamily moved in. This is going to sound stupid, but through all of the transitions, Wembley was still there. Gosh, that sounds so stupid. But that’s seriously the way that it is. It really didn’t matter what I was going to have to face during that visit home, because I knew that at least Wembley would be there. He was really a lot more than just a pet to me. Which is why when my mom called me and told me this information today, like it was no big deal, I got angry. And then sad. And now I’m still just sad. I’m not one to get upset about things like this, but for some reason, it really hit me hard. Maybe it’s because I’m also sad about other things and this just kind of adds to it all. Or maybe it’s because I really wasn’t prepared for it. I just really don’t understand. I understand that my family is super busy and always gone, but honestly, isn’t having him in the house better than having him in a cage waiting to be killed? This isn’t just a random animal, it’s our pet. I’m just praying that someone adopts him this weekend and that he finds a really, really great home. I’m going to miss you, Wembs. 

So, I’m pretty sure that most of the people that I regularly see have recently heard me say, “I can’t deal with the universe. Can you deal with the universe?” And I’m pretty sure that people are probably tired of me asking them if they can deal with the universe. But, seriously. Can you deal with the universe? It’s kind of sad, but I really knew NOTHING about our universe until I took Astronomy this semester. I’m not gonna lie, I have fallen asleep in Astronomy class, but I still am extremely fascinated by it. (In my defense, it’s right after Chorale which is right after lunch, and it’s just physically impossible for me to sit in a dark room and keep my eyes open. It’s just not going to happen.) Anyways, what I’m trying to say is that I had NO idea that our universe is what it is. Our teacher showed us a picture of the sky that looks a little something like this:

(If you can’t see it, click on the box, and it should show up.)

Okay. This picture shows 10,000 galaxies. This picture is of about 0.000024% of our sky. (0.000024%. Our teacher told us that if you pick up a grain of sand and hold it up to the sky and look through it, that’s how much of our sky that picture shows. A freaking grain of sand.) Our solar system is in the Milky Way galaxy, of which we aren’t even in the center of. Every galaxy in this picture has billions of stars and its own planets. Does this blow anyone else’s mind? Even our GALAXY is a speck of dust when you look at the big picture. Oh, and not to mention that our universe is infinitely expanding. 

I’ve been thinking about this A LOT lately. I don’t know how it would be possible for me to learn things like this and not think about them. Most of all, it makes me realize how incredibly insignificant our world is. Don’t get me wrong, it’s important. Our lives are very important. But seriously, looking at this, how can we even for one second think that the world revolves around us and that our own problems and lives are the only thing that matters? Just think about it. It will blow your mind.

In other news, tomorrow is my last academic day of classes at MSU. It hasn’t really hit me yet, and I’m not entirely sure when it will. I kind of have a heart of steel, so I don’t really expect to walk around campus sobbing tomorrow, but if I am, that’s why. It’s kind of weird for me because I will still be here next semester student teaching. I won’t actually have classes, but I will still be around. I’m assuming that’s why I’m not more affected by this. Usually, I’m the person running around saying “THIS IS THE LAST DAY. I CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS. OMG.” Maybe I’ve just calmed down. I don’t know. All I know is that I have an Astronomy test tomorrow, and I need to explain all of the stupid things about these awesome galaxies, like which ones have newer stars and how to classify them. So, I’m going to do that. K bye.

THIS is what I was trying to say in my blog post about balance that I couldn’t quite find the words to say. Well…kind of.

http://thoughtcatalog.com/2012/when-did-my-life-stop-being-fun/

Today after the concert, one of my friends came up to me and said, “I can seriously see you doing stuff like that for the rest of your life.” I feel the same way and made me feel like I might not be delusional after all. It made my day.

A side note: Do you ever just feel sad for no reason? It’s kind of weird.

These past few weeks have been slightly exhausting. I’ve basically been living in the library. I’ve also realized that I am basically in love with it. Sometimes, I go and do things that I could just do at home, but it’s the library, so I feel better about myself because I’m there. Is that weird? I’m also constantly receiving emails about various things that I need to get done ASAP for things that have to happen for me to be able to student teach in the fall, and I am just so prepared for it to be over. I guess you can call this my usual end-of-the-semester blog post. It just happens. I can’t help it. Just a few months ago, I could not even physically deal with the thought of graduating and moving away and having no clue what to do. Here’s the thing. I still don’t know exactly what is going to happen to me after I graduate from here, but I cannot wait. I’m still having a great time, but in some ways, I’m really just prepared to get away. Is it December yet?

In other news, some really awesome things have happened to me recently. If you’ve seen my Facebook, you probably already know about some of it…so you know…for people who read this that don’t read my Facebook, here you go.

I get to sing a solo in our President’s Concert tomorrow. It is literally two lines…but I’m still pretty eager about it. My teachers are the other soloists, so it’s honestly terrifying and I’m completely out of my league, but it’s really fun. So, yay.

Yesterday at practicum, I was watching/listening to 4th graders squeak out ridiculous notes on their recorders and my phone vibrated. It was a text from someone telling me to get to convo. I did not understand why I needed to get to convo because I did not audition for scholarships this year, and then I found out that I won an award for being a good voice student! Sweet!!! I was sad that I couldn’t be there, but it’s really fine. I was still super excited.

I’m probably going to do a joint recital with one of my friends toward the end of August, which is going to be really really awesome. I’ve already been looking at a lot of music, and I can’t wait. Which reminds me of a really weird dream I had last night. Basically what happened was I had this book of Rachmaninoff songs from the library (which I have in real life) and some asian teenagers stole it and were running around Springfield with it. I chased them around in my car, I think. I was really upset. My life is weird.

ALSO, I found out a couple of weeks ago that I got the student teaching placements that I requested. From what I know and have observed, they are both really awesome teachers, and I cannot wait to learn from them and get to work with their students. I still don’t know if I want to have a career teaching K-12, but I’m still extremely passionate about education, and I’m just going to enjoy the experience and try to learn as much as I can.

So yeah, that’s what’s been going on. Cool.

P.S. Happy birthday, Mom! Hope you’re having fun in Colorado. Answer your phone.